FETED former England manager Steve McLaren has revealed that he is taking Spanish lessons.

"I always vowed that when I had time I would learn a language," he told The Times newspaper.

World of Sprot understands that the toothy tacticphobe (pictured left during his schooldays) has not employed the services of a Spanish teacher or one of the many cassette-based courses available from the back of dull magazines and Sunday supplements.

Instead, Steve has pinpointed nine key phrases that would enable him to take charge of a Spanish side with the same panache as he managed as England boss.

And those phrases are...

HEADY BEGINNINGS:

1) How much for the parasol, my skin is as white as my teeth, you know.
Cuanto vale el parasol, saben que tengo la piel tan blanca como los dientes

2) To sign a player of Stewart Downing's calibre indicates just how ambitious this club is.
Fichar un jugador con el nivel de Stewart Downing indica lo realmente ambicioso que es este club.

3) I was wondering if I might have a secretary to shag?
Por cierto, ¿me podrían proporcionar una secretaría para follarmela?

REALITY BITES:

4) Are you sure you can't offer me more than a 12 month rolling contract? I am, after all, a manager of international class.
¿Realmente no me podeis ofrecer mas que un contrato temporal? Yo soy, ante todo, un entrenador de nivel internacional.

5) I always said that the buck stops with the manager, but it's not my fault.
Siempre he dicho que el entrenador tiene toda la responsabilidad, pero eso no ha sido culpa mia.

THE SONG REMAINS THE SAME:

6) Out of position.
Mal alineado.

7) Out of one's depth.
Demasiado poco preparado.

8) Out of a job.
Despedido y en el paro.

9) What's the Spanish for P45?
¿Como se dice P45 en español?

POPULAR England footballer Ashley Cole has threatened to quit the international scene unless he's given a taste of the captaincy pie.

Cole is understood to have told close friends that he is surprised and disappointed not to have been handed the armband for tonight's friendly in France.

New boss Fabio Capello is currently rotating the England captaincy, and Rio Ferdinand will lead out the troops in Paris tonight.

If he remembers.

But it is not only former skipper John Terry whose nose has been put out of joint by Capello's decision.

"Ashley is hurt and upset that he has not been considered for the job," said a friend today.

"He feels that he is ideal England captain material - he's hugely disliked, obnoxious and shows absolutely no respect to referees.

"And if Mr Capello can't see that then Ashley may well have to consider whether he actually wants to play for England at all."

Capello has consistently told reporters that he will only decide on a permanent England captain when the World Cup qualifiers kick off in the autumn.

This leaves the door open for Terry, Cole and even David Beckham to stake their claim for the armband, although the latter option is the least likely, with an England insider describing Beckham as 'much like Heather Mills - set up for life but never likely to reach previous heights and undeniably one-footed'.

But it is understood that Steven Gerrard - who skippered Capello's first foray into international managerial waters - will NOT be given another chance.

"Fabio's English is coming on fantastically well. He's blasting through the Dr Seuss books and has just ordered the entire Captain Underpants series off Amazon.

"But Gerrard's Scouse whining is a bridge too far for him. He even tried to coax Jamie Carragher out of international retirement to act as an interpreter.

"The final straw, for both the manager and the players, came at the end of Gerrard's half-time call to arms during the Switzerland game. When Stevie had finished, the players found the Wembley tunnel full of dogs who had flocked to the stadium in response to the midfielder's high-pitched blitherings.

"The start of the second half had to be delayed, the mess was incredible and Peter Crouch received more than his fair share of unwanted canine attention.

Mr Capello takes a dim view of such things."

ANGUISHED Birmingham City players are demanding that Arsenal striker Eduardo apologises for ruining Martin Taylor's life.

SPORT and politics don't mix - that's a fact.

TERRACE legend and charisma vacuum Alan Shearer has finally been found a role in Kevin Keegan's brave Newcastle world.

MOODY Jock actor John Hannah has been confirmed in the title role of latest Hollywood blockbuster Alan Hansen - The Musical.

FOLLOWING our successful serialisation of Sir Alex Ferguson's How To Manage, we are happy to set the record straight over the Manchester United supremo's widely misinterpreted non-verbal communication techniques.

LUNATIC Premiership also-rans Newcastle United have pledged to sack their new manager - before he's even been given the job.

THERE WERE shocks aplenty in the third round of the FA Cup this weekend, with the latest batch of giant killing re-affirming it as the premier domestic cup contest in world football.

FOOTBALLING bad boy Joey Barton has lambasted the establishment for once again overlooking his calls for a New Year's Honour.